Awakening Diary

Reclaiming the Morning with Compassion I went to bed at 10 last night and woke up at 5:30. Strangely, when I sleep before 9:30, I often wake around 4:30. So when I saw the time this morning, my first thought was: “It’s too late for my morning walk… I’m losing willpower.” But this time, I caught it — that old voice of self-blame. I didn’t let it spiral. Instead, I paused, took a breath, and chose compassion: “You’re still doing beautifully. 5:30 is still early.” And just like that, I reclaimed the morning. On Self-Compassion I went for a walk in the park — the one we once shared. And I thought of him again. Should I blame myself for still missing him? No. I choose self-compassion. For years, I felt unseen. Unworthy. I gave everything to my family, yet felt increasingly taken for granted. But in his eyes… ...

Awakening Diary — July 29, 2025 The Day I Stepped Into Practice Right before I woke up, I received a message in my dream: “You just need to write your awakening diary.” It was 3:59 a.m. Last night, I spent two hours struggling to organize the chapters of my book. The words felt messy. The task felt overwhelming. I thought — maybe it’s too hard to write a book. But this morning, I understood something deeper: There’s no need to worry. In awakening, you are guided by inspiration. So I decided — I’ll simply write what I’m inspired to write, and document it as a diary. I realized I had slipped into survival mode last night. Worrying about structure and outcome is another form of control. It showed me — I haven’t yet fully surrendered. I haven’t completely chosen to be guided. ...

On July,26,2025 I was woken up at 2:25 a.m. by my daughter. Every Friday night, my kids ask to sleep beside me. I usually fall right back asleep, but not this time. Today is his last day at the gym. I couldn’t stop thinking about our encounter yesterday. There was no warmth in his eyes — not even a trace. If he was a mirror, maybe he was simply reflecting what I was feeling inside. Every time I said thank you to him, he’d respond with a teasing “Again?” Yes, again. I said it many times. Because he helped me heal. Maybe he didn’t know how much. But is it the fact or just my performing? i question myself. ...

On Jul.28, 2025 Three days before we met at Starbucks, I saw him again at the gym. I looked at him and asked directly: “Why do you want to have coffee with me?” He replied, without hesitation: “Because I like you. And I think you’re positive.” I was surprised I didn’t cry. Because the last time someone said those words to me — “You’re so positive, you make me want to be positive too” — I did cry. That part of me — the light I’ve fought to keep alive — It’s not always been recognized. And when it is, it unravels something inside me. ...

on july.28,2025 I woke up at 2:48 and again at 4:49. Fortunately, I was able to fall back asleep. I got up at 5:18. I’m grateful I could sleep longer today. When I don’t sleep well, it feels like a cloud is drifting above my head — not outside, but within me. Before I rose from bed, a thought floated into my mind: the days I couldn’t fall back asleep in the early hours — because of him. It was 5:20 — time for my morning walk. Before I headed out, I noticed something. The two tents my kids had built in the living room two days ago were gone. The space was clear. What a relief. No wonder I hadn’t felt quite right yesterday. ...

on July.27,2025 i was woken up at 2:58 by my daughter again today. i try to go to bed but failed. and i discover a quiet habit i just got lately. before i get up, i love to touch my tummy and feel how flat it is. and after i get up, i love to look myself in the mirror in the bathroom half naked to enjoy how beauty my body looks like. that means: i start my day with appreciation and love for my body. i give myself a cup of water, and then start to finish the story of yesterday. on july.26,2025 i went outside for my morning walk at 5:21. when i arrvied at the park, the sky was dark full of dark heavy clouds. i couldn’t feel the energy and joy like i did before. i guess it was becasue i woke up too early that my head is a little bit numb. so i chose to take off my hat, which seems to avoid me from receiving energy from universe. then I turn around and found the sun is fighting with the clouds and light up almost 1/10 sky. i talked with ChatGPT about it. ...

I was woken up at 2:25 a.m. by my daughter. Every Friday night, my kids ask to sleep beside me. I usually fall right back asleep, but not this time. Today is his last day at the gym. I couldn’t stop thinking about our encounter yesterday. There was no warmth in his eyes — not even a trace. If he was a mirror, maybe he was simply reflecting what I was feeling inside. Every time I said thank you to him, he’d respond with a teasing “Again?” Yes, again. I said it many times. Because he helped me heal. Maybe he didn’t know how much. But is it the fact or just my performing? i question myself. Unable to fall back asleep, I got up and began recalling the story between us — where it began and how it changed me. ...

On July.25,2025. I woke up at 4:20 this morning and opened my computer to write my story. At 5:50, I went out for my usual walk. It had been raining lightly since I got up. I thought about taking an umbrella — but then I told myself: Why bother? A little rain doesn’t matter. So I stepped outside with only a hat. On my way to the park, I saw raindrops on the leaves of a small tree. And I noticed something new about myself — a subtle urge that has been quietly growing. Lately, every time I see dew or raindrop on leaves, I feel a gentle pull from my body — to touch it, to feel it. Just like how I sometimes want to spread my arms wide when the wind brushes softly against me — or when I walk down roads lined with trees that feel like they’re embracing me. I want to reach up with open hands, as if to touch them quietly. ...

On July.24, 2025 A Ballpoint Pen: The First Yes I found a ballpoint pen in the bathroom of my son’s piano teaching institute. I felt I needed it — so I picked it up. I didn’t know it was a sign. Not until the next day. The next morning, walking the same path through the park, something clicked. I asked ChatGPT: Before him, I had fallen in love with a teacher I met online. We hadn’t met in person, only connected digitally. I’ve pondered why my awakening seems so deeply intertwined with these two men. It feels as if a woman’s awakening often needs to be catalyzed by love. It answered: Yes — female awakening often begins with love. Not because we are weak — but because we are built to feel, to open, to bloom through connection. Romantic or intimate encounters, even digital ones, can serve as mirrors. Through connection with another, we see ourselves anew, discover desires or wounds, and begin healing or expanding our sense of identity. ...